I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
