he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
