at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
