i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
