hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
