I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
