I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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