I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
