Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
