So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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