I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
