if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think my fart just growled at me.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
