My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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