How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
