omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
