My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
