how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There r osticjed everywhere
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
