How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It was like getting head from an anaconda
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
