i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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