birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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