I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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