I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
