standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
