I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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