My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
