Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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