I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
