you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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