On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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