Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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