My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
