Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
