Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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