need another drink. this is the easiest way
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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