dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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