im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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