So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
FUCK WHALES
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