I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
