Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
