Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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