honey bunches of taint.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Two words: blizzard sex
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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