ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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