Someone shit on the floor
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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