i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
