There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
