Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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