Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
