Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
