just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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