Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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