Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
